Hottrot at the Fair

Ever since the Distractions and Diversions upgrade has been released about a week ago, I was anxious to see how the circus would turn out. When I found the ticket vendor jumping around behind the portal, I was ecstatic.



I grabbed a ticket and proceeded to the big top, where I was greeted by Balthazar Beauregaurde, the demonic ringmaster.



I looked around, wondering what to do first, I saw a curtained changing booth, and proceeded into it. When I emerged, I found myself on a balance beam platform high above the circus. I was dressed in an acrobat's attire, which clued me in to the fact that I was to perform on the tightrope. I conversed with the fairy, then went off to the box to check what props I could get.



I grabbed one of each to be able to comply with every request, then walked out onto the tightrope in my suit. There was a smattering of applause, and I began my performance.





I respected the audience's requests, and when I was done, I was awarded with some acrobat shoes for my dazzling performance. I next moved to the wizard, and started the performance by grabbing spell tablets. I performed spell after spell, once accidentally doing to of the same in a row, to the dissapointment of the crowd.







I didn't do that well in the performance, but Balthazar wouldn't let me leave empty-handed and gave me a skirt for my trouble. Next I moved to the final event, the ranged competition. I grabbed some throwing axes, for a change of pace, and started the competition. I threw from a variety of different places, and at the end, I was rewarded with a Ranged level of 43 and a piece of the acrobat costume.

]

I exited the circus, ticket torn up and wearing my acrobat clothes.





Overall, I think the fair was a very positive experience, and I'll make sure to make it a weekly visiting point.

Gnome Tours

Of course, with the recent top ten list, I got to thinking about the gnome copters. Have I ever actually been on one? No! So I home teleported and walked north to where I thought the copters lifted off from. I walked past the cabbage field and Farmer Fred's sheep to a gate north of Lumbridge. There was a cow calf near the gate, and I considered attacking it, but then decided that now wasn't the time and continued northward. Passing through the gate, I saw there were many more cows there, but obviously they were for the gnomes, who I assumed were there also. When I reached the gnome copter lift-off area, there were four copters lined up in a neat little row. Next to them, sitting in a chair, was a gnome named Hieronymus. I asked him about the gnome copters.

He told me how he and Sasquine had invented them, and were now offering tours of the members world to non-members. Even though I remarked that I could go those places myself, I thought it would be pretty cool to go on one. But first, I checked out what the general store had to offer. There were many normal things, but there were also buckets of water, redberries, chef's hats, and spinach rolls! There was also a row of deposit boxes, which I declined to use.

When I was ready to leave, I spoke to Sasquine and I, being a first-time flier, apparently needed a rundown. He explained to me that I couldn't get off and I had to click the "Return to Lumbridge" button when I was ready to be done. He also told me that although the default was autopilot, I could fly myself if I wanted to. He'd be narrating the tour for me from his chair. The last thing he said was to not touch the --- and then he cut himself off. I wanted to know what not to touch, but I shut up. Then he told me it was a joke. Funny, to be frank. He asked where I wanted to go. I just chose the first option on the list, Lletya, which I've never been anyway. He gave me a ticket. I read it - "Gnomecopter ticket: Lletya. Ref. #00041549" I had to unequip my axe to board the gnome copter, needing both hands free. I did so and hopped aboard.

They were much slower than I expected, but I got to Lletya in no time. The copter told me not to talk to the elves, and I have a feeling the people couldn't see me either, so I turned off autopilot and flew around. I listened to the tour guide on Lletya, but heard nothing I didn't know, so I went off. I clicked the button that looked like home teleport, and it took me back to Lumbridge. Apparently, I completed a medium task in the achievement diary too! So I had fun, found a new general store, and helped out my achievement diary. Not bad for a ten minute flight. Too bad they didn't have peanuts.

Perils of Ice Mountain

I'd already started this quest before, so today I decided to finish it as part of my quest for completing all the novice quests. I checked my quest journal, which said that I had to go to Ice Mountain after seeing a gnome run off to there. So I left the moment I saw, wearing an amulet of glory and wielding a rune axe. I walked to the Dwarven Mines, up and past them until I got to the mountain. I saw there were creatures called Icefiends there, which I had never seen before. I continued up the mountain until I reached the Oracle and the end of the mountain. I frowned, puzzled, and then asked the Oracle if she had any wisdom to impart. All that she said was, "Sometimes you're lucky and sometimes you're not."

Puzzling over this strange prediction, I opened up my world map to check that this was indeed Ice Mountain. After determining that I was right, I headed back down the mountain, thinking the gnome must be down there somewhere. Sure enough, I found him swiping a butterfly net at a baby Icefiend. I spoke to the gnome, named Professor Arblenap, and he told me that, as it was getting hotter, the Icefiends were going to go extinct. This didn't explain the net, but he soon did, saying that he was trying to capture babies to take them back to a cold island to save. I asked to help, and sure enough, he handed me the net and I easily caught the four babies he needed. I returned and found him swinging his net again, perhaps practicing for next time. I gave him the four Icefiends, and then an avalanche started.

The earth shook and the professor teleported out, leaving me to my fate. Luckily, after snow piled up the screen, it cleared and I went to investigate the other end of the mountain. But the new track, Icy Trouble Ahead, heralded danger approaching, so I was on my guard. There was snow clumped in patches down the mountain as I climbed up, and the Oracle's tent, where I had been minutes earlier, had blown away! I spoke to the Oracle about the tragedy.

I offered to fix the tent. I then realized that I had no idea how, but I headed to the base of the mountain to see what had become of the cloth covering. The wrecked tent lay there, covered in snow, near the bottom. I picked up what I could, and immidiatly knew that I needed two planks, two nails, a hammer, and a saw. Having my handy rune axe, I cut two trees and headed for Varrock and the plank man.

Upon reaching the city, I went into the nearest bank and withdrew a hammer, saw, iron ore, a nature rune, and five fire runes. I cast my superheat spell and headed for the smithy across the road. I crafted some iron nails, pleased that I would have some left over. Then I had a thought, 'Do I need iron or steel nails?' Confused, I checked my bank, and, thankfully, there were two steel nails. I brought them as well, heading once more for the plank man.

On the way, seeing a bucket on the ground, I picked it up, because I used to always be at a loss for buckets, and now I have a habit of picking them up. When I reached the plank man, I stepped into the sawdust and offered him my logs. He applied them to his blade, cutting them to uniform thickness. Planks in hand, I began the trek back to the mountain. I decided to run, but I dropped off the bucket in the bank first. Unfortunately, my energy gave out about halfway through Barbarian Village, forcing me to walk the rest of the way.

By the time I got back, I had some run energy left over. I spoke to the Oracle, now prepared to fix her tent. I put it together, and was surprised by a visit from Postie Pete. The Oracle said, "I open my lips, and then no dogs bark." Postie Pete, thinking she was familiar with Shakespeare, said "Et tu, brute?" Then she started jumping crazily and pointing at Ardougne, yelling something about revenge. She was very angry. I spoke to her and she said she foresaw global warming in Runescape's future. I guessed it must be Numorf's machine, so I went down to investigate.

I spoke with Drokar, and he took the stereotypical human attitude, that the atmosphere and environment were endless reservoirs to be dumped in to, and that he wasn't doing anything, so I went to talk to Numorf in the mines. He said that he thought it might happen, and Brother Bordiss might have a better idea, so I left to talk to the monk. However, I tried to use the ladder in the mine, but I wasn't allowed, so I had to walk around. I went to the Monastery, which was surprisingly close, and spoke to Bordiss about it. He cracked and broke his vow, saying that he doesn't know where the key is. I think Drokar has it. He also called the machine "Zamorakian." I'm not sure if that was a curse, or the truth. I do know where the chest is - I saw it in Drogo's shop while I was looking for Numorf. There's a hidden catch on the side I have to press to open it.

I went into the back of Drokar's shop and tried to free the dragons or take an egg, but I couldn't so I went into the front and spoke to him. He didn't say anything helpful, but I noticed I could pickpocket him. I did so and obtained a dwarven key. I thought it must be Bordiss', so I took it into the mines and attempted to open the chest. There were a bundle of technical plans inside, the largest of which looked like a windmill. I took the plans across the mines to show to Numorf. I was puzzled, because he wasn't in the room. I thought maybe he had been kidnapped, but then I spotted him over by the cart conductor and spoke with him. I showed him the plans and he thought they might work. We attached the mill to the pickaxe machine and both ran smoothly. We then sent Drokar back to his masters in Keldagrim so he couldn't interfere. Then, Numorf taught me the secret of making dwarven pickaxes. Along with a quest point and 2,000 experience evenly between Farming, Construction, Hunter, and Thieving, I now gained the right to climb up that huge ladder I wanted to. Before logging off, I climbed it. I went up to Hunter level 15, and Farming 27.

POSTBAG FROM THE HEDGE OF EVIL

I was reading the Postbag from the Hedge (of Evil) today, and I realized some things that were revealed in it. I feel like sharing today, so lets get down to cracking Jagex's hints.

Letter #1: Poll Orks

Clue 1: "Each one of us has a speshal job to do, from puttin the votes into piles, to doin the countin, to rightin the numbers on the bord." - A Blast-Furnace-like random event perhaps? One player has to run from pile to pile, carrying the votes, another has the task of actually counting, and the third has to write the correct numbers on the board. Like a cross between Trouble Brewing and Barbarian Assault. Or it could be a minigame, with X points for being first and X points for being right.

Clue 2: "We had one ork what tried to change the votes to what he wanted to win..." This has promise. Maybe there would be a Runescape-wide election, and then there would be a quest, because there would be an evil poll ork trying to rig it so Evil Bob, or someone else evil, would win the election. You had to catch the ork and set things right? I'm just fantasizing here, but a cool idea...

Letter #2: King Black Dragon

Clue 1: "Yet, each [dragon] carves a path to the purpose in a singular manner, caring not for the others unless their paths cross." - a Dragon showdown? How cool would that be? Jagex has said that there would be PVP worlds, so there's promise there! Dragons and players vs. dragons and players.

Letter #3: King Roald/Aesonisig Raispher

Clue 1: "As to your concern that a mere mugger might one day harness the power of the runes: well, that is as likely as a Zamorakian establishing an unspeakable altar within our fair city!" This is a very potent clue indeed. Muggers with spells! That'd be fun. Because, as we all know, there IS a Zamorakian altar in Varrock. Look out for the muggers!

Clue 2: "...it also keeps them in a ready state to defend our streets should the unthinkable occur." - This is a clue that could prove to be interesting. An attack on Varrock? By spell-casting muggers? We'll just have to wait and see.

Letter #4: Master Chef

Clue 1: "If they manage to make something which I find reaches the laudable standard of 'barely edible by me', I'll hire them as a commis chef and train them in my arcane arts." - Spells to enhance cooking? So that's why he's the Master Chef! Cool! I want to make jumping beans! Seriously, though, this could mean seeing more in the way of the Lunar Spell "Bake Pie".

Clue 2: "If I ever went back to cooking you'd find my smallest hors d'oeuvres a guilty spark of pleasure..." - Another hint towards the same outcome as the other, he said IF! That means it's possible. Maybe a sequel to Recipe for Disaster?

Letter #5: Mr. Mordaut

Clue 1: Although this letter is more a history lesson than anything, "It has been suggested that certain groups in RuneScape may have operatives inside the [Abyssal Services] Department, for their own ends. This would account for any unauthorised destinations..." - Does this mean that we might get one? Mmm.... Custom teleports. That almost makes me as hungry as the Master Chef's hors d'oeuvres.
EVIL DAVE CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Theory #1: Tutorial Island's Magic Instructor

Apparently, "[Magic Instructor] employed a scruffy young man to look after my three dairy cows [OF TOTAL DOMINATION - E.D.]: Dolly, Emmylou and Linda."Well, why would the Magic Instructor have Total Domination cows? Hmmm... maybe they're trying to dominate the world for taking Tutorial Island out. But! "...one night I heard a ruckus and the dastardly young man had herded my trio of cows onto a raft..." Hmm.... but someone stole them! More world domination afoot. Basically, he's saying that Sir Vant, the new tutorial guy, sounds like "servant", which the instructor used to call the boy. And the three-headed dragon could really be three stuck-together bovines.

My Theory #1: So maybe Evil Dave is controlling "Sir Vant" and his "bovines of mass destruction", so he can corrupt the minds of innocent new players and take over the world from the ground up. A quest waiting to happen.

Theory #2: Robin Hood

Robin Hood believes that Evil Dave, the imps, the "fishy-smelling" White Knights (none of whom use Range weapons) and melee and mage fighters are all allied against rangers. "You may note, sweet rangers, that every now and then one of your arrows or bolts goes missing..." - When this happens, Robin Hood says that the imps, knights, etc. take them to the caves beneath Falador and build a giant Chincompa out of them. This is very evil indeed. Then they will roll it out and laugh and drink tea. This could be a funny quest/event too, but is anything else from Monty Python (large wooden badger) to come?

Theory #3: Father Lawrence

The essence of the Father's letter is that he believes that Zamorakian agents are slipping sleeping potions into the wine from his sermons. Maybe next time they'll put in something deadly, and we'll be called in to find them. Maybe we can make a sleeping potion, though I can't imagine what it would do. This is easily the best possibility for questing of the three conspiracies.

That's all the theories I have, but do you have more? Comment and let me know.

My Top Ten Things to do in Runescape When I'm Bored

Since I'm bored quite a lot on RuneScape, and I don't have that even low amount of moral fiber needed to turn off the computer and go do something constructive, I've decided to go out there and find out exactly what you should do when you're bored. There's also a seperate list for time-wasting. That's nearly as fun but a lot less productive. Note that this is my list, and some of these things you may find very boring indeed. If so, I'm sorry, and good luck with not being bored.

*Note: These aren't in order of boredom-averting-ness.

1. Play Minigames! There's thirty minigames waiting out there to be played by players like us. Many of them are fun, but unfortunately, some require an immense amount of time wasting. You can also get some decent rewards out of them. On top of that, who doesn't like getting free experience for having fun? (Good minigames include Fist of Guthix, The Agility Arena, The Fishing Trawler, and The Blast Furnace, but there are many others for you to try.)

2. Hock the junk in your bank on the Grand Exchange. You never know how much money you can make from those ranarr seeds that require some farming skill that you don't have the patience to get, and you might as well have the cash. You'd be surprised how fast things sell on the G.E. If it doesn't sell right away, and you have better stuff to sell, take it off.

3. Do Quests! Quests give you all sorts of useful rewards and take you to exotic new places you've never even heard of. Whether you enjoy them for the rewards at the end, or the trek to get there, everyone has a quest just for them.

4. Walk around mindlessly doing nothing. It's a very productive use of time, as it can get you new sound tracks, knowledge of where things are, and maybe meet some new friends! Other uses of it include meeting interesting NPC's, getting random quests you didn't know existed, and picking up junk.

5. Try your hand at the Achievement Diaries. They're easy and give you some pretty cool stuff. If you're not advanced enough to complete all of them, just do what you can, because the rewards are worth it and it's a break from the grind of leveling skills and such.

6. Go earn some Kudos at the Varrock museum. These require a little bit of brain power but little to no skill requirements. Even if you haven't completed all of the necessary quests, you can still earn enough Kudos for an experience bonus.

7. Find a high level person at a house portal and randomly follow them into their house. People shouting "House Party" are also good to follow. House parties can get you free food, good fun, new friends, and possibly a little reward for winning a game or something.

8. Go to the Party Room. Drop parties are lots of fun and you can just hop over to Falador to enjoy them. Even better, when a big drop party is going on, all the bankers in Runescape seem to know about it. Wouldn't it be lucky if you just went around popping balloons and you suddenly realize at the end that you picked up a granite plate body or an abbysal whip? It happened to me once (plate body).

9. Explore dungeons and kill monsters there. Similar to randomly walking around, this can get you decent items and a general RuneScape know-how. Also, you may gain some valuable combat experience and maybe even a new training spot!

10. Log off RuneScape. I haven't quite figured out to do this yet, but people have told me that a good way to avoid being bored on RuneScape is to log off and go read a book. It works! Or at least, I think it does! Maybe I'll go try it now.

*11. I know this is a top 10 list, but I needed to add this one. Surf the general store. Now with the Grand Exchange, people don't sell as much stuff there, but it's a good way to waste money and get some pretty good stuff there. But now, the time-wasting list.

TIME WASTING

1. Playing Castle Wars - you have to wait twenty minutes for each game to start. It's not even that fun anyway. Seriously, get over this game. Besides, there are no good rewards.

2. Helping people in "that sedate town where you begin your adventures", Lumbridge. You could probably earn more money for selling the things you have to make for them.

3. Reading books in your book shelf in your player-owned house. Seriously, you've already read them once. Why again?

4. Sit in the Grand Exchange yelling, "Selling or buying this or that, top or bottom price on the Exchange!" Few people buy from them, and if you really need something, go and get it!

5. Training Firemaking. Unless you really want to do Tears of Guthix or All Fired Up, forget about Firemaking. It is the most pointless skill. Period.

6. Stand and wait for a random event. Seriously, who would do that?

7. Canoe up and down the River Lum. Sounds kinda fun, but it'd get boring.

8. Walking around mindlessly - if you don't have an objective when you do this, it will be the most pointless thing, you'll ever do. If you do, then see first list #4.

9. Going on a Gnome Copter tour. Sounds very fun, but wastes time like crazy. Do it! Do it! If you want to waste time. But it is fun.

10. Training Firemaking - again. Seriously, that's how bad it is. Don't do it.

All Fired Up

I logged into RuneScape today, more out of boredom than anything, and to my surprise, when scrolling down the quest list, I see a new one. All Fired Up! Well, I thought, anything to give that old skill of firemaking a little kick. So I went with my completion of Priest in Peril and my level 45 firemaking skill to King Roald. He looked over my impressive resume and quickly determined that I was good enough for the job, and told me to go find a Blaze Sharpeye, the head project director of the Wilderness watchtowers. I walked out of Varrock, and, seeing five or so willow logs on the ground, picked them up, figuring, with a firemaking quest, that logs might come in handy.

I went across the stretches separating Morytania from Varrock, then passed under the temple and the River Salve to the other side, where the Burgh de Rott minigame was set up. I saw a player attacking a "Watchman" that, according to him, gave him 17,000 coins. I was excited and stepped up to be next before remembering that I was unarmed. I backed off and looked around me, seeing that there were many people there. I thought to myself, wow! This new quest must be good for it to be so popular. I looked on my minimap and saw that all of the dots there were yellow, not white. I realized that they were non-player characters from Burg de Rott. I had a conversation with one, but he didn't seem to know anything about Blaze Sharpeye, so I moved on. I then thought that maybe he was on the other side of the river, so I crossed back under to have another look.

At first, all that I saw outside the temple was a mysterious-looking monk, who I knew from getting the Devious Minds quest. Then I traveled farther south and spotted a man surrounded by several others. Behind him was an unlit beacon. I soon discovered that this was Blaze, and I talked to him. Everything sounded doable, until Blaze informed me that to light a beacon, you needed twenty logs!He also let me know that I might as well use regular logs for now, although better logs would work better in the future. I sighed, and rather than going to cut down twenty trees at the bank, I instead just went to get my axe, hoping there were trees, as well as a tinderbox, then brought it back and began chopping there. I also banked my willow logs. They'd have to wait for another day.

Unfortunately, many others had the same idea as me, and trees were scarce. I changed worlds a couple times, before finding one with some friendly people. The trees were still the same, but it was more fun. I commented how it was a contest to see "Whose computer was the fastest?" I was doing okay, having amassed 12 logs or so, until I got a Mysterious Old Man. He took me to the pinball arena, where I ran around and tagged all the right pillars, then Flip and Tilt, the bumper trolls, let me leave. I was rewarded with five noted rubies, which made it worth the while. And besides, while I was gone, everyone else cleared out, leaving me and the trees alone. Another guy came, but there were enough for the both of us. I soon gathered the twenty required logs, and returned to Blaze. I lit the beacon and spoke with him. He was satisfied with my "technique" and told me to light the fire near the Rag and Bone Man's Hovel. I know the general location of that because of my previous questing, but I returned to the grind and quickly gathered the required twenty logs. With that, I set off to Squire Fyre and the second beacon.

I went up to the Rag and Bone Man's house, but saw no beacon there, so I turned to my world map for help. I glanced back to where Blaze had been stationed, and saw that the tower was marked on the map. I looked for other such markings and found a line traveling across Wilderness five or so and ending at the River Lum near Edgeville. I traveled to the second beacon and lit it, then had a short conversation with Miss Fyre. She told me that she loved the sight of the flame and would stare all day if she wasn't payed to watch the horizon. I was then reminded to return to Blaze, so I did with haste. As I arrived, I saw that the flame was dwindling, so I asked Blaze what I could do. It occurred to me to ask him if he had his own logs I could use, but another opportunity didn't come up, so I cut five logs, topped off the fire, and was sent back with much news to report to King Roald.

Thankfully, King Roald, although he complained about the days when adventurers were satisfied with a job well done, rewarded me with 20,000 coins, plus an extra 5,500 experience in the Firemaking Skill. I was pleased to be able to access the All Fired Up minigame, which I probably won't play for a very long time (at least until my brother does the quest... If he ever raises Firemaking.) and another quest point. This quest brought my Firemaking up to 46 and my total to 1086. It also gave me my rubies and my gold, for a total of 1082k gp and 18 rubies, after selling most of them.

Bwuk Bwuk Bwuk!

About a week ago when I was spinning bowstrings, I noticed a bunch of level 3's and 4's who were spinning flax. Now, normally this would be fine, because I understand how those low level guys need money. But the funny thing was, they weren't talking at all. Well, obviously, they were probably macroers. You know, people who use macros to play the game for them. This annoyed me, but then something hilarious happened.

One of the level 4's was peacefully macroing bowstrings when crys of, "Bwuk Bwuk Bwuk!" pierced the silence. He, being a macro, didn't even stop spinning bowstrings. Behind him, sending feeble waves of magic his way, was a level 28 Evil Chicken. It kept doing 1's and 2's to him, but before he had even finished the load of bowstrings, he was dead. I laughed so hard.